never realised, it still hurts that much

It has always been like that, but recently some time ago it seemed more and more often, and nowadays it seemed worse.
That everytime i think of it, tears well up.
But today was the worse of the worse, i just broke down. Just.. Suddenly.
And i couldnt stop. I felt confused, scared, shocked.
But i clearly know i broke the promise i made to myself again.
It was broken many times, but i'd never expect to cry for the same reason again after so long.

Sigh, if Christian knows about this im dooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmed la.
Couldnt tell or explained much about this to anyone, because its so complicated how i have to explain about other stuffs as well, and i know nobody will really understand. And secondly i fear the judements they'd make, assumptions, some might scold me for being so dumb, and i feel like im more than a bitch. But things arent really what people think i am, they make the wrong assumptions, and its hard for me to explain anymore.


I really miss how i used to be able to pour out everything to you. 
I could say whatever i want, whenever i want, even when its just out of the blue. 
You were always there, you knew me best, but suddenly it started to change. 
Like i was a boredom. 
And now, its so hard to talk to you again, i just wish i could talk to you. 
Whenever i had so much things kept inside. 

You said you're the bottle that'd keep every problems i spilled out, but now im all back to square one.
 And i doubt you even care that much anymore, or even read my blogs. 
Do you even know there's still someone, missing you everyday, cares for you,
 and wondering when is the next time to see you again..


This pretense is getting too difficult.
its because i really miss you too much that it hurts so bad