I'm hiding two things. Or maybe everything.
I really dont know what to do anymore.
I hate how sensitive i get all the time, but never ever wants to let the people involved know.
It sucks to keep everything inside, it hurts,
and then i'd act like i dont care, then sometimes people stopped caring too.
So is that good or bad.
People can tell me certain things about the things i do,
but similarly they did it, but i've never said anything.
Even if i get affected, i dont fucking say it. How does that feel?
Its just like, you are not allowed to do it, but that person him or herself can.
And when you feel affected by what that person told you, you feel all stupid,
all bothered, all pathetic. You try to be good, to be better, but there they are doing the same thing more, and it makes you feel worse.
Then eventually you get really upset and lost.
People who says they will never be what they said,
always turned out to be what they said they'd never be.
Things like, "no of course i wont replace __________" always happens in the end.
Things like, "i really care for you", "will always be there for you".
But at the end of the day no one really stays. Or is there for you.
At the end of the day you are just alone, get it.
Tbh, many things bother me. I wanna say it here directly, but i can't.
Im so envious of many things, but i cant do anything.
Its like theré's nothing wrong, but i know something's definitely wrong.
I can't change a thing. I really wonder if i will even be happy for 3 years.
I really wonder what life would be like if i had gone to NP or YJC instead.
Or other courses.
Number of times, i did wanted to look for you.
But because you were never there, i started to give up.
There were so many things i couldnt tell you,
Because i didnt want to be like what i'd never want to be.
But i definitely feel so damn insecure, and replaced and forgotten.
Its like, you'd definitely by happier without me.
Words are just words.
Even when its damn obvious, you dont get it.
You could care for others,
but you never thought about how i felt when you said all those to me back then.
Its ever since that very last time it happened, everything changed, dont you realise it?
And its funny how you could always.......
And its so funny how you could never recognise me from the back. I realised that.
And I realised you'd never walk up to say hi even when you see me with other friends.
Maybe I'm wrong, but there were times i knew you saw me, but pretended to not know.
There were times i feel inferior. But you dont realise it was your actions that made it so.
I really tried to be better. I thought of you every single day. I was bothered.
But i dont know if its the same anymore. Sometimes i honestly feel like...
Im just someone you wanted to show off.
At times i tried joking around, but it didnt turn out the way i wanted it to.
But towards other girls i realised its quite different isnt it. No and thats way before.
Sometimes i wondered, if maybe, you dont really like me anymore, just that you dont realise it.
Or you didnt want to say it.
Everytime i wanted to surprise you, seems like it didnt turn out the way i want it to be.
I dont know what i can do, to be better. But i know someone out there is definitely better.
You have no idea how most of the times when i was upset, it was because i over think.
You arent the only one. There were times i actually cried, and affected by many things.
But i couldn't tell you.
There's nothing to talk between us these days, i dont know when that started.
But i slowly realised, how little effort you put to keep it going, that i gave up.
But with others i know its different for you.
Its like, just for the sake of talking everyday, you text me.
But there's nothing to say. It isnt a must to talk everyday, of course i appreciate your efforts.
But each time you start a conversation, you disappear right after.
Do you know how pathetic i feel all the time, when it seems like you need to try so hard,
To talk to me. Or like, there seems to be nothing you could talk about?
Many times i really wanted to talk to you, but i didnt know what to say either.
Because slowly i realised, each time i sent a long message, you dont really know what to say either.
And the conversation just ends. I really got so mentally tired, i dont even want to try anymore.
And i realised, it seems like you have never respected me, or considered how i felt.
Even after talking about certain things, you still didnt understand and just went ahead.
There were times i disliked it, but i dont like to show it when i do, because im not bold.
I tried accepting it.
I dont like to hurt people's feelings, even unintentionally, especially if i dont realise it.
Its the same with other people, not just you.
But, you really never respected me at all. What i've always wanted, was slow steps.
I really dont know what to do anymore.
I could tell you indefinite times, how i'm way way more insecure than you think.
I know i will definitely never be good enough to be like what you want me to be.
Im just not good enough.
Its okay.
I know you are reading this, you may find me a bitch.
Because i've partially not completely let go of someone i used to love.
But its only recently that i realised it often.
But i could say i really had feelings for you. Idk if i still do, but i know i still care.
But its definitely different now, there were many reasons for it,
just that i didnt want to tell you anything about those reasons. I gave you hints before.
I made it obvious. But i guess you didnt realised it.
But i know, and i admit...
Maybe the biggest problem is just me, not you.
Everyone's happier without me. You'll be happier without me. You'll find someone better.
Someone prettier. More cheerful. More caring, less bitchy, more kind, one day.
Nobody will truly understand how i feel.
The best friend i know is myself.
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