fears

My grandfather seems to be really sick today. Compared to other days.
Im scared.
And worried.
I dont dare to sleep right now though he asked me to.

sorry im not good enough

I'm hiding two things. Or maybe everything.
I really dont know what to do anymore.
I hate how sensitive i get all the time, but never ever wants to let the people involved know.
It sucks to keep everything inside, it hurts,
and then i'd act like i dont care, then sometimes people stopped caring too.
So is that good or bad.

People can tell me certain things about the things i do,
but similarly they did it, but i've never said anything.
Even if i get affected, i dont fucking say it. How does that feel?
Its just like, you are not allowed to do it, but that person him or herself can.
And when you feel affected by what that person told you, you feel all stupid,
all bothered, all pathetic. You try to be good, to be better, but there they are doing the same thing more, and it makes you feel worse.
Then eventually you get really upset and lost.


 People who says they will never be what they said,
 always turned out to be what they said they'd never be.
Things like, "no of course i wont replace __________" always happens in the end.
Things like, "i really care for you", "will always be there for you".
But at the end of the day no one really stays. Or is there for you.
At the end of the day you are just alone, get it.


Tbh, many things bother me. I wanna say it here directly, but i can't.
Im so envious of many things, but i cant do anything.
Its like theré's nothing wrong, but i know something's definitely wrong.
I can't change a thing. I really wonder if i will even be happy for 3 years.
I really wonder what life would be like if i had gone to NP or YJC instead.
Or other courses.


Number of times, i did wanted to look for you. 
But because you were never there, i started to give up. 
There were so many things i couldnt tell you, 
Because i didnt want to be like what i'd never want to be. 
But i definitely feel so damn insecure, and replaced and forgotten. 
Its like, you'd definitely by happier without me. 
Words are just words. 
Even when its damn obvious, you dont get it. 
You could care for others, 
but you never thought about how i felt when you said all those to me back then. 
Its ever since that very last time it happened, everything changed, dont you realise it? 
And its funny how you could always....... 
And its so funny how you could never recognise me from the back. I realised that. 
And I realised you'd never walk up to say hi even when you see me with other friends. 
Maybe I'm wrong, but there were times i knew you saw me, but pretended to not know. 
There were times i feel inferior. But you dont realise it was your actions that made it so.
I really tried to be better. I thought of you every single day. I was bothered.
But i dont know if its the same anymore. Sometimes i honestly feel like...
Im just someone you wanted to show off. 
At times i tried joking around, but it didnt turn out the way i wanted it to.
But towards other girls i realised its quite different isnt it. No and thats way before.
Sometimes i wondered, if maybe, you dont really like me anymore, just that you dont realise it.
Or you didnt want to say it.  
Everytime i wanted to surprise you, seems like it didnt turn out the way i want it to be.
I dont know what i can do, to be better. But i know someone out there is definitely better.
You have no idea how most of the times when i was upset, it was because i over think.
You arent the only one. There were times i actually cried, and affected by many things.
But i couldn't tell you.
There's nothing to talk between us these days, i dont know when that started.
But i slowly realised, how little effort you put to keep it going, that i gave up.
But with others i know its different for you. 
Its like, just for the sake of talking everyday, you text me.
But there's nothing to say. It isnt a must to talk everyday, of course i appreciate your efforts.
But each time you start a conversation, you disappear right after.
Do you know how pathetic i feel all the time, when it seems like you need to try so hard,
To talk to me. Or like, there seems to be nothing you could talk about? 
Many times i really wanted to talk to you, but i didnt know what to say either.
Because slowly i realised, each time i sent a long message, you dont really know what to say either.
And the conversation just ends. I really got so mentally tired, i dont even want to try anymore.
And i realised, it seems like you have never respected me, or considered how i felt.
Even after talking about certain things, you still didnt understand and just went ahead.
There were times i disliked it, but i dont like to show it when i do, because im not bold.
I tried accepting it.
I dont like to hurt people's feelings, even unintentionally, especially if i dont realise it.
Its the same with other people, not just you.
But, you really never respected me at all. What i've always wanted, was slow steps.
I really dont know what to do anymore.
I could tell you indefinite times, how i'm way way more insecure than you think.
I know i will definitely never be good enough to be like what you want me to be.
Im just not good enough.
Its okay. 


I know you are reading this, you may find me a bitch.
Because i've partially not completely let go of someone i used to love.
But its only recently that i realised it often. 
But i could say i really had feelings for you. Idk if i still do, but i know i still care.
But its definitely different now, there were many reasons for it, 
just that i didnt want to tell you anything about those reasons. I gave you hints before.
I made it obvious. But i guess you didnt realised it.
But i know, and i admit...
Maybe the biggest problem is just me, not you.




Everyone's happier without me. You'll be happier without me. You'll find someone better.
Someone prettier. More cheerful. More caring, less bitchy, more kind, one day.

Nobody will truly understand how i feel.
The best friend i know is myself.

never realised, it still hurts that much

It has always been like that, but recently some time ago it seemed more and more often, and nowadays it seemed worse.
That everytime i think of it, tears well up.
But today was the worse of the worse, i just broke down. Just.. Suddenly.
And i couldnt stop. I felt confused, scared, shocked.
But i clearly know i broke the promise i made to myself again.
It was broken many times, but i'd never expect to cry for the same reason again after so long.

Sigh, if Christian knows about this im dooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmed la.
Couldnt tell or explained much about this to anyone, because its so complicated how i have to explain about other stuffs as well, and i know nobody will really understand. And secondly i fear the judements they'd make, assumptions, some might scold me for being so dumb, and i feel like im more than a bitch. But things arent really what people think i am, they make the wrong assumptions, and its hard for me to explain anymore.


I really miss how i used to be able to pour out everything to you. 
I could say whatever i want, whenever i want, even when its just out of the blue. 
You were always there, you knew me best, but suddenly it started to change. 
Like i was a boredom. 
And now, its so hard to talk to you again, i just wish i could talk to you. 
Whenever i had so much things kept inside. 

You said you're the bottle that'd keep every problems i spilled out, but now im all back to square one.
 And i doubt you even care that much anymore, or even read my blogs. 
Do you even know there's still someone, missing you everyday, cares for you,
 and wondering when is the next time to see you again..


This pretense is getting too difficult.
its because i really miss you too much that it hurts so bad

the past long gone

Loved this song since 2012. So much feelings in this song you know. Also started liking them a little since 2012, after all im not really a fan of kpop.

I still wanted to form that butterfly with you

Feeling super emotional tonight.
I dont know why, or maybe i do.
Thinking so much again tonight.

Sometimes i really wonder if im really happy, there are some reasons for me to be, but more than some that im upset. Sometimes people think i look happy because of the photos i post, but honestly i know im not. But i wish i could stop pretending. I wish i could just say out everything i want without worrying.

I miss how things used to be, and everything else.
Things are fine now but... Im not comfortable with anything. No matter how hard i try.
I've also learnt to look at others' positively, because dislikes are so disgusting and fake. And it makes people sad

Not regretting anything, or due to any reasons. But then sometimes i still wonder what could have happened if i'd gone to NP instead. Though it was initially the first poly i aimed for, i just gave up my considerations because i felt nervous and slight discomfort from stepping into the school way early in 2012. Kind of stupid or what.

And up till today, i still cant accept that one particular harsh truth few months back. I convinced and convinced myself, that everything is impossible, that oh yay im finally over. But no, because every single day i will still at least think of it once. Why is it so hard. Why. Everytime i think of this i just feel like crying. Maybe Christian was right. I really wanna slap myself hard. Real real hard. And i wanna find time to make that new one, because seeing that its not there for now, makes me so uncomfortable, as if i will be completely forgotten one day.. Sigh.

Everytime i think of my secondary days i just miss my friends more.

Im really just gonna work super hard, focus on my studies, and try to move on after poly. I wanna survive through everything. Every problems i face.

And for all the complicated stuffs, its annoying how i have to explain every single detail. I hate false ideas. I know my reasons for these, but then, part of the problem, lies with me. Cus i suckkkkkkkkkkkk.

And why do people always leave? Is it that fun? Haha what a joke.

Sometimes i find myself a bitch too. In my own ways, i know.


Anyway.. Will be moving back to my house after my dad finds another job. Yeah idk how long it will take. And what will life be like after moving back there. I know my life's gonna be pretty difficult. Especially if i dont work hard now for my future. I needa wake up man.

And oh was asked the most awkwardest question ever. I knew my definite answer but what could i say? Could i say it? No, despite wanting to say it. I couldnt. Yes this feeling sucks.


I need to move on, but its hard.
I want things back that way, but its never possible.
I really miss those feelings, those days, those times when i discover new things, discover new reactions.
Its just not easy to forget or let go of something that once meant so much to you, especially when infinite real feelings were invested.
All these feelings suck.

my dreams seem too far for me to reach

Neglected this blog for quite some time. I really wonder how i had the time and passion to keep my blog going previously years ago.. Nowadays blogs mean nothing. Its just somewhere i can rant out whatever i want at any point of time. Though nobody probably reads them anyway. Yeah so, thats one of my favourite song since primary school, from my first favourite taiwan drama. I feel so sad everytime i listen to the song, and it reminds me of too many things, and really many, anything. Sigh, been feeling pretty down lately. I just feel like the whole world's against me, and i get that lonely feeling these days. I think a lot of many things. I dont know what are the reasons, or maybe i actually do... But oh well sometimes its better to keep things to myself. I really dont find the need to open up to anyone that much......

 People said they will be there for me, but they seem to be just words. Many times i just realise, nah, actually im just alone. Nothing i can do, nor anybody.

Hahahahahahaha its okay i enjoy alone time too... K bye

Cant wait for exams to be over so i can just daydream all day

those days

Beautiful song right? Im so addicted to it now, its so nostalgic. I have the urge to go to the beach when i listen to it. And hi. So much to think about. So much fears. So much troubles. I wish i could still pour out everything as and when i like into that bottle. But not possible anymore

A thousand fears

      Still loving this song as much. So today I watched breaking dawn part 2 like finally. And I missed this song. So sweet.

So yesterday I tried going shopping. Since I hardly do so, I thought maybe I could cheer myself up a little. Unfortunately no. I broke down on my way home as I walked along the NS campsite to my block. It just felt like everything was crashing down...... I don't know why I'm forever crying over every accumulated things. It all links up. At that point of time, how I wish my mom was at home, waiting for me. Ask me what's wrong, and i'd cry out everything as I fall into her arms. But no... Though I have many friends around me, this loneliness is not something people would understand. It just sucks, when you don't have a complete family, and you're not even comfortable or close to share every problem you have with them. People with a nice and complete family are just so damn fucking lucky. Treasure what you have okay people, treasure.

I wonder why lately, I love to bottle up. Then it reminds me of the past when I had that one person who opened me up, and i'll feel all sad again. I wonder when my true smile really disappeared, when I started forcing myself to smile and smile and smile. Its tiring. I really feel as if im letting everyone else who cares, down. Im sorry :(((((

Well I guess my life seriously changed ever since my parents divorced and more complications kicked in. I really don't know how I managed to survive through everything. If it weren't for my friends, I suppose I might have committed suicide hahahahahahahaha. Speaking of this, I went out to northpoint to get my contact lens saline just now. Near the zebra crossing I had this random thought

 "What if im so unlucky and I get into a car accident here after a whole day of staying home"?
"I wonder if that happens, who would be crying for me."

With that I was just waiting for the green man to flash... But no idea why, after a few seconds like half a minute or approx. a minute, I thought I saw green light and thus I stepped out a few steps onto the road. But actually I think it was the green light for the cars going to <<<<<<< direction. Because thankfully one of the drivers from afar honked to call out to me, that's when I saw it was still the red man and the cars from my right were slowly starting their engines to continue their journey. CREEPY MAX. I don't know what went wrong, I gotta be out of my mind, hahahahaha. Almost sent myself to death oh god. That feeling was so damn scary. Sigh.

Okay bye I doubt anyone's reading anyway.


To be honest, I don't think i'm strong. Yes I survived many storms, but no i'm just a weakling.

time flies

 

Another one of my favourite OSTs, from 1 Litre of Tears. Time flies, holidays are ending soon in about 1 week plus. Busy week ahead. And yeah I didn't even study at all.... Been playing too much. Need to start soon, sigh. Poly life sure flashes quickly. I wonder if I'll ever catch up some day.

 

There's too much regrets, so many things I wish I could have. But no, sad to say that things wont change, ever. 5 years, 6 years. I feel like I've not accepted this cruel fact.

 

Will things get better? I feel like I don't look forward to anything anymore.

too much to handle

Wheeeooooo different groups of friends in poly and they are definitely one of the best. Really thankful to have all these lovelies around for companion, since I was feeling pretty low. I'll always feel better when my friends are around in such situations, just the laughters of theirs make me feel comfortable although i'll always prefer to be left alone at times when im in such bad moods. Ah. Love y'all!

 

Okay so I'm really tired. Not to mention that I still have too much things to think about. Sigh. Really no mood to blog. I find this world scary, too scary. But I wish I could just smile and keep away all those stress. And you know what? I'm scared. I feel like my words may very well not be taken in. I'm afraid to find out what was said. Which... Might not even be the truth. Oh well. I really don't know what I want, nor what I should do. Life sucks huh. How can life be so stressful? Been so long since I had the thoughts of migrating in the future. I seriously prefer rural areas, dont you feel more relaxed when you are surrounded with beautiful sceneries and the silence of the nature? Anyway.. I realised recently and especially after last night; Things are always being unfair to all the nice people out there, oh why? How weird.

 

 

Im sorry, i'm not perfect. Like I said, i'm never good enough.

My world is filled with too many fears.

Nostalgic

 

Going to sleep after I post this. Sigh, so tired. Physically and mentally. I don't know what to do anymore, what I should do, and what I want. My moodswings are bad nowadays all because of that one shit. And well, rewatched "1 Litre of Tears" recently. Really love this drama. So much to learn from it. Yes, been 2 years and I still love their OSTs. The song up there is one of my favourites, seriously nostalgic. It just brings back so much past, it just makes you think a lot. Sigh. I still remember I used to listen to this song very often back in sec 2. And now it just reminds me of the times when I will play basketball on my own. Hmm, of course the scenes from the drama becomes fresh in my mind all the time too. Oh well. Japanese songs are still the best compared to Korean songs, really.

 

Meh, chalet at 2/3pm with Artemis later, shall sleep now. Goodnight. 

 

School stress, money stress, work stress. Oooooooh.

Buy or not?!

Hi. Got a little mood to blog today. SEE THAT DRESS? OHMYOHMYOHMY.
I've been eyeing on it since I first saw it a few months back, but no, all of the outlets I dropped by whenever I'm nearby do not have my size. But today I finally found the outlet with my size. I'm wondering if I should actually get it when I have the money because I think I look weird in it. :(((( HOWHOWHOW. THE DRESS IS TOO PRETTY TO LET GO AWW. Furthermore its a hi-low dress... So pretty.

Kbyeimtired. Oh ya, I fell down today. Broke record liao. I have no idea how long it has been since I fell down woohoo. HAHAHAHA. Goodnight x.


Can I have all the hi-low dresses in this world please?!

2013 is nowhere better

Hi. No mood now. Bye.

2013 sucks seriously.

Another day gone

Im finally done with creating a new blog whoooooooooo. Thought i'd forget how to edit but oh well. I'm not  really satisfied though cus I kept having problems. Been so long since I've edited html codes, guess its been about 2 years plus since I've blogged. Shall change it again next month or something.

Sooooooooooooo the holidays are here, June is here, time flies. Spent my weekend at Alfred's house anyway. And yes i'm back to work. I'm dead tired today. Therefore it's time for my bed time, I stayed up late to complete my editing because I hate doing things halfway.

Goodnight world.